Wednesday, 30 August 2017

Feeling Scared

Where did my confidence go? I am really struggling right now just to jump cross rails. Hell, just riding circles in the arena, I am paying too much attention to Savvy's ears and preparing for spooks than actual good riding.


I realise I am only five rides in from a month away from jumping, and it will most likely return with work and time. But damn, I was looking at 2'3" like it was no big deal. Now cross rails (could it even be 12"?!) get my stomach flipping.

I can blame a lot of things: time off, cooler weather, Savvy doing her best leaping llama after the jumps and spooking again after a summer mostly spook free. Working with a pony with too many opinions who is not specifically talented in the direction I am taking her.


This pic makes me laugh, but I remember that day I felt like Savvy and I could have jumped anything in front of us.
Basically it comes down to keeping it familiar. The more we jump, the better Savvy goes and the more confident I become. So I need to keep this in mind and not allow time to slip past in between rides. Easier said than done sometimes but necessary if I ever hope to leave starter level in the future.

Part of me thinks maybe I can just stay in starter level for ever and have fun over little jumps. Honestly though, I cannot wait for the day that starter jumps become boring but first they have to stop looking huge. I know this would be easier if Savvy were more athletically inclined in the jumping department (not to mention less dramatic and possibly taller if I were to be honest about all my niggling worries). Working twice as hard for the most basic of levels is humbling and slightly humiliating. But we are all struggling in different ways.


I do feel proud of how much I have accomplished with Savvy this summer, even if it really does not look like much from the outside. I am also encouraged by how much Savvy seems to enjoy being out on the cross country field when I am riding well and she is not overfaced.

So, for now I will continue training for our September event (even if it takes a few shots of Jack Daniel's pre-ride for the next little while) and keep pushing myself back to our July level of jumps, one inch at a time if need be.

16 comments:

  1. gosh i feel like i could have written this post. or maybe i have in other various forms. bc yea.... i feel this in my bones. confidence is so fickle. that nervous tension follows no rules of logic. it's all so irrational. and yet.... there it is. i love your attitude and tenacity tho! you guys totally got this, no matter the bumps in the road!

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    1. It is nice to know I am not alone in this although I don't wish this stupid feeling on anyone!

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  2. I totally feel you. I've been really struggling with my confidence after taking so much time off this summer (for vacations, broken noses and sick ponies). I think just riding consistently and getting back into a routine will be a huge help! But also be kind to yourself and try to take baby steps :)

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    1. Yes, I am confident we can get back to where we were. I just wish riding were less like a game of snakes and ladders for me.

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  3. I totally get the feeling afraid. Carmen is spooking again and I'm thinking about the show venue and trying to not freak out. But stay in the moment of what you want and don't force yourself- that has never worked for me.

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    1. Yes! Forcing things is never a good idea. I really need to dial back and build back up.

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  4. Just keep on keeping on. Confidence is such a fickle thing. Go back to where you feel comfortable on the flat and jumping, even if it means walk/trot and ground poles for a few days. Do a lot of ground work. Every ride ask for a little more. I bet you will be back to where you were pretty quickly as you build your and Savvy's confidence. Good luck!

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    1. You're right, I need to set myself up for a bit more success and create riding plans that are comfortable for both of us.

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  5. Confidence is the most important and most difficult aspect of jumping as an adult, I think. It's easy to lose, hard to get and yet SO gratifying once you find it.

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    1. I probably will always struggle with this. but at least i know i can overcome it with work :)

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  6. As the adult owner of a pony who's pretty much maxed out on a pre entry course, I totally get working really hard and still being challenged at the lower levels! What always works for me show confidence wise is the knowledge we've done the thing and schooled the thing before. You've totally rocked around bigger stuff than that Starter course and you've done it well!

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    1. We have done bigger stuff and we lived, not to mention super fun and totally gave me the feeling that is why I want to do this sport. thank you :)

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  7. "Working twice as hard for the most basic of levels is humbling and slightly humiliating. But we are all struggling in different ways."

    THIS.

    With Annie, it's kind of a different bag of skittles because she's young and green, but I have felt that way in the past when riding other more schooled horses. I don't think you are being silly at all - irrational fear is still fear! Kind of like how Emma said in her comment above - we KNOW it doesn't make sense but we can't really shake the feeling.

    You will get back to "that place" again - one step at a time <3

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    1. Right?! Whether it makes sense or not, it is what it is. I worked so hard to get to where i was in July with a very methodical plan and then, well I let it slip like it was the new normal and didn't take work. eehh, I guess I was wrong about that. :)

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    2. I think it's best to realize you have certain feelings and be aware of them, but at the same time, take steps to overcome them. It sounds like you have the ability and means to get back to "that place" :)

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  8. It's all good. At times like these, which will come and go, go back to what you know/where you feel comfortable and build again from there. You will get back to where you were and beyond it. Progress and success is not a straight line, remember! You know this to be true, since you went out and had a great time at your event!!! Remember that next time.

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